Sunday, June 1, 2014

Mystery Date Mission Log: The First Missive

Mystery Date are on tour trying to sell this record. Johnny's keeping us abreast.
Once again my courageous compatriots and I have been called into the
fray in the name of Mystery Date, and this time we’re going farther
than we’ve ever been before.  So begins a journey of fast music,
burritos, booze and windbaggery. Friday night Grady and I travelled

to Agent Damien’s laboratory to receive our devices for the mission.
Unlike our rather ostentatious allies at MI6 we did not opt for something
conspicuous like an Aston martin for transportation.  In order to
maintain the utmost secrecy agent D provided us with a large Dodge van
with “Honk for J.Bieber” spray painted on the back. The work of a
covert agent is not always glamorous and agent Damien cleverly knew
that no one would suspect 3 flamboyantly-dressed dudes traveling in a
brightly spray-painted van. After the mishap with the heat seeking
missiles installed in the last Mystery Date division vehicle, Agent
Damien instead installed a secret built-in rice cooker to aid the
cause.  It was at this meeting that we had a chance to meet Piñata’s
newest agent, one mister Desmond Tank, a strikingly suave and
handsome young man in his twenties (days not years). I predict he’ll go
far in the service.

We set out at three PM to take advantage of the afternoon’s deep cloak
of anonymity. Traveling across the vast wastelands of Wisconsin we
heard no noise except what was the honking of an apparent goose that
none of us saw. We travelled swiftly, careful to avoid the Taco John's
in Black River Falls where I could be recognized and our mission
compromised. After many hours of briefing ourselves on David Bowie
through the van’s stereo system we felt prepared for what we knew we
must do.  Ten clicks into Madison we arrived safely at the rendezvous
point: Mickey’s Tavern, a filthy backstreet dive sympathetic to the
cause; so sympathetic in fact that they furnished us with as many tap
beers as we could drink for free.  Support is appreciated in any form
as not all were meant to serve on the front lines.  

After a few hours of recuperating from our journey we met our contact, Dirty 
Nigel, a black marketer providing safe sex toys to the repressed Madisonian
population and, by all accounts, a conscientious man in a frequently
unconscionable business. After partaking of the finest brews afforded
us in our unique position we listened to the manifesto of our fellow
Minneapolans Soap Scum. We spread our news of the movement as best we
could. I think it went over well but I really don’t pay that much
attention. After a swift and energetic set Dirty Nigel and the Strap-Ons 

took the stage, blasting through a lively set. After the show we
enjoyed burritos and I pontificated at length upon many interesting
subjects of such weight and importance that the mere act of
considering them tired my worthy comrades to the point of sleep!! 

It’s heartening to know that in a seemingly morally ambiguous and
meaningless world there are men like Dirty Nigel, who, despite the
illicit nature of the world in which they exist will open their homes
and sing the songs of freedom in the name of our common cause. We hope
for the opportunity to one day return the hospitality on our own soil.

Today we will have to pass through numerous check points in disguise
to the city of Chicago. I pray that the false travel papers and
identification we purchased will get us there safely.  If we succeed
we will be meeting with some old and dear comrades. Jenn of The Wet
who served by my side in the invasion of South By Southwest not once
but twice, as well as the occupation of the Hozac Blackout in '11 or
'12, the time that has passed has blunted my memory to the specifics
leaving only a lasting impression of true courage. Tom and Rebecca,
many times have executed operations under deepest cover since I first
met them when they brought the Infamous Tyler John Tyler to Saint
Paul’s Midway House itself.  And last but certainly not least, a man
whose name is spoken in reverent whispers wherever people still keep
faith in true liberty, Joe Power, a man with no little influence on
myself who performed with the Basement Disasters when I went on my
first set of missions as a young agent. The Authorities approach, we
will send contact if we arrive-

Over and Out,